diredefeat's Journal

So...I'm going to start this post, while recent events are fresh in my mind. It's been a little while since you left. But not...so long that I can't almost feel you in my arms still. Mm.....

I knew...that parting would be hard for you. I expected you to get emotional about it. I didn't expect, that I myself, would have a break down about it. We were just talking...and holding you on the bench..and then that taxi came up- around the right time. I can't describe the sickening feeling I got in my stomach, having it tighten into knots knowing what that taxi meant. I'm pretty sure my voice even broke from that feeling, I'm not sure.

When you went inside to get your bags, I plopped back onto the bench. Staring into space. You were really leaving, it was...over. The vacation. I had trouble accepting it. Then the taxi driver passed by me back out to his taxi, and asked me if I was going to the port. Another blow to the chest. I wanted...to say yes. I wanted to say, I was going with the girl inside. Instead, I shook my head and stared down at the ground.

When I saw you coming out, I tried so hard not to lose it, and I knew you probably were on the verge too. I wanted to pull you tight and close against me...tell the driver to fuck off. But...I knew you had to go. I knew for now, it was for the best. I had to be the strong one. Someone had to. I tried to be. We kissed and held each other a last time...and you walked back to the taxi.

That...was akward. My grandmother came in to talk about you leaving.

"DId she leave?"
"Yeah..."
"What's all this?"
"Stuff left over from the trip."
"A DVD player?"
"Yeah, she brought some movies to watch, but forgot her DVD player. So she got a real cheap one."
"And this?"
"Pants. I ripped my other ones."

She gives me a weird look.

"I was walking by dominicks, and caught them on the wall. I think that's when I ripped them. My whole pant leg was just..torn down. She bought me some new ones."

"oh."
"HOw come you didn't bring her here? Embaressed of us?"
"No! No. She was too shy. I tried to talk her into it. But she was too shy. SHe wanted to meet the Kitty. But..people she was too shy about."
"Ok."
"I hope you were careful."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean....sexually."
"...Huh?"
"Careful, with things."
"oh, no no no...no...no..."
I'm panicking at this point, I HATE lieing. You know that. And I don't *want* to lie to her. But I don't want to say, yeah, we had anal sex and oral sex...so don't worry!
I continue.
"IT's...not like that. No."
"So you weren't careful?"
"That's not what I mean either. It's just...uh...well, she's still a virgin. Put it that way."
"Ok, If I had known...I woulda told you to put a hat on or something."
I laugh very nervously. She's talking about me putting on condoms to bang my girlfriend. I'm surprised she's not running over and smacking the ever-loving-shit out of me. She walks off. Comes back.
"Did she tell you to get a hair cut?"
"Nah, she likes my hair."
"Pfft...figures."
Walks off. Comes back.
"Did she tell you to get a job so next time you can go see her?"
"AH..well...no..not exactly."
Walks off. End.

Maybe...she's mellowed out about me a lot more. I mean, maybe she's changed the way she thinks and feels about things, and I just don't know it because I never talk to her. And that makes me kick myself, because maybe I could have spent those 5 days over night. A few years ago, I know it would be out of the question, but just now...she was infintely more accepting then I expected.

I'll pause here, because you called. I'm going to wait until I write more again...I can't...hold myself together long enough to keep a train of thought going. I'm sorry...I'll write once I calm down.

I saw you shifting and looking back at me. I knew you wanted to run back to me, and god knows I wanted to run up to you. I walked over, and I kissed you again, put my arms around you. I knew it was what you longed for, what I wanted too...but I couldn't let it drag on too long or you'd never get in. I had to be the one to help you in. There was no other way you'd leave. I didn't want you to...but...we both knew you had to. I started walking back to my stuff...I was starting to lose it again. I was trying to not show it. If I showed it, it would be that much harder on you. I cleared myself a little, and turned back- you were staring out the window with me with such sad eyes. You were really leaving...I...couldn't believe it. It was like a movie, the taxi started rolling, and you waved at me softly as it drove off. I waved back...and then...you were gone. Gone. ....Gone......

I fell back down onto the bench and utterly fucking lost it. I couldn't stop sobbing uncontrollably and the tears just kept coming. I rubbed my hand against the spot where you were sitting just a few minutes ago. It was still warm. Your warmth. Where you were. Where we were.

I knew I couldn't stay in front of that hotel forever though. I got my stuff...and stood up. I kept looking at that bench like I expected you to be there...and started walking away. I looked to the one window with the drapes closed. It was our room. Our home. It was so hard to leave that god damn cheap hotel....that taxi wasn't turning around to come back. YOu wouldn't sling open the door, run out and jump into my arms. No. You were really gone. And that hotel room, my home, our home, was empty. I trudged back home, crying softly the whole way. THere was actually a lot of times, the words "I love you too" boiled in my throat. But never emerged. But that...well, we'll get to the past 5 days later. For now, I'm exhausted...and once you call- if I have nothing to add, I'm posting and probably going to pass out.

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